Scared What You See Looking in the Mirror? Looking at Your Inner Self Might Help Your Relationships

3rAs you get older (year by year, if not quicker), looking at yourself in the mirror, does your face match the picture you have of yourself in your mind’s eye?

Many don’t like looking at themselves in the mirror as they get older (40, 50, 60… ). They would have preferred to stay young for ever.

But even if your face is changing, it might well be that you yourself are not: you keep “doing” life and relationships the way you used to until now; you are motivated by the same fears and needs which have driven you until now; you apply the same self-sabotaging behaviors in your dating and relationships, same ones which have caused you to fail so many relationships.

So why do you continue with the same old patterns of behavior? Why don’t you change while your face – and probably your body – change?

The reason is simple: apparently you don’t have too much control over your face and body. They progress through the regular path of nature, of maturity, which makes them change (often to your dislike). But your emotions and behaviors could be, if you so wish, under your control. They don’t change unless you choose to change them. They are constantly the same unless you realize they might cause you more harm than good in your dating and relationships and decide to make a change.

This all means, that no matter how old you become, the way you “do” relationships might be consistent over the years. If you are a controlling person, you keep controlling your partners; if you are a manipulative person, you keep being manipulative; if you are submissive, you keep being submissive; and if you are escaping being alone, you will keep “falling” to whoever crosses your path, just so that you won’t be alone.

The sad side of this story is that no matter how often such behaviors and tendencies of yours have hurt you and sabotaged your relationships, it looks as if there is no way you can run away from them. The reason being, running away from them is almost like running away from yourself. They have become an integral part of you; rooted in your emotions, attitudes, behaviors, found refuge in the subjective perception you have developed towards yourself and towards your partners.

Why don’t you change if it is you who sabotages your relationships time and again? The simple reason is, you are unaware of the fact that you are the one to blame. You often find it easy to blame your partners (and/or external circumstances) rather than look inside and take responsibility.

No one likes to blame himself/herself, and if you are like everybody else (even though you might think you are different), you too wouldn’t like to blame yourself for the failure of your relationships. Instead, you might come up with one thousand and one reasons for failing: this partner wasn’t the right one for you; the timing wasn’t good; another partner has carried on too many problems from the past and a third one was too demanding, or too needy, or too who-knows-what!

All these might be true. But this is only part of the picture, part of the reasons why your relationships fail. A major reason might be – that you are the one responsible for the failure of your relationships. You see, as much as you might think you want to have a nice, satisfying intimate relationship, it just might well be that you don’t know how to develop and maintain one; that you are not aware of whatever fears, needs, attitudes, unhealthy reactions and behaviors you bring with you to your relationships, which eventually make them fail.

Indeed, admitting that this might be the case might not be easy. But how do you know this is not the case – that you are not responsible for the failure of your relationships – as long as you haven’t taken a good look at yourself, at your patterns, at whatever fears and needs control you and drive you, in one way or another, to hurt and sabotage your relationships time and again?

Looking in the mirror and seeing your face and body – even though you might not like what you see as the years go by – is one thing. Looking in the mirror and observing your inner self is much more difficult, but may be much more important in pursuing a satisfying relationship.

So as you continue to strive to find a partner with whom to develop a serious, loving and successful intimacy, the best you can do for yourself is look inside; become aware of whatever it is that make you fail, and get up the courage to make the necessary changes. It is then that you will become empowered to find a partner with whom to develop the relationship you hope for.

Ready for a Long Life, Having Years to Have a Partner and Build a Successful Intimate Relationship?

2dResearchers tell us that one’s happiness depends on having a partner. If this is true, than in these days, when life expectancy becomes longer and longer, it becomes even more crucial that you find a partner with whom to develop a successful intimacy.

But can you do that? Do you know how to go about building a successful intimacy? What kind of experiences have you had by now? How many of them were a successful story and in how many have you failed?

Not losing hope about having a successful intimacy is great. And in order to achieve you goal you might keep engaging with dating sites, meeting others and trying to develop relationships.

But if you don’t succeed, for one reason or another, you might develop anxiety, thinking to yourself: “I still have years to live, and does it mean I will stay alone from now on?”

If an intimate relationship is of uttermost importance to you it is not only because of who you are, because of your need and wish to have a partner, but also because, in all likelihood, you have already retired, or are about to retire, and as you look forward to the coming years you really yearn to have someone with whom to share the joy and happiness of the coming years (which is a different joy than seeing your children and grandchildren – if you have any – growing and succeeding in their own lives).

If you have been trying to find a partner and build an intimate relationship but so far haven’t really succeeded – or succeeded only for a short while and the relationship fell apart – do you know what went wrong? And if this has happened to you more than once, even more than twice, does it mean there is here a pattern of failures? And if so, can you understand where this pattern is coming from, what attributes to this pattern?

Is it something in you which sabotages your attempts? This is not a simple question, since if you are not aware of what makes you fail you can’t even know if there is something in you which makes you fail. If this is the case, it is very likely that you don’t perceive yourself to be the reason for the failure, but rather attribute the failure to other factors, be it your partner, your not finding “the one and only”, your children (regardless of how old they are who might not like your new partner), your financial situation, and so on and so forth. It is always easy to not take responsibility for your failures but rather attribute them to something else.

However, if you notice that you fail time and again, and you still wish to find a partner with whom to develop a successful intimacy, you may want to develop awareness to the facts that might contribute to your failed attempts: do you have any fears which stand in your way from developing a truly intimate relationship? Do you have any needs which make you put too many demands on a potential partner (to the point of being left time and again)? Are you too controlling and non-compromising (which makes life with you difficult)?

These, and other issues, might be the ones which derail you from building a successful intimacy. In other words, as much as you desire to have a successful relationship, you might be sabotaging your own attempts at finding one.

The primary solution to such a situation is for you to develop awareness: get in touch with the ways in which you shoot yourself in the foot in relationships. Having gained this awareness, having understood how you have sabotaged you attempts until now, you can then proceed to finding a partner with whom you’ll be able to develop a truly successful relationship.

Seniors Dating Online – Do You Feel Lucky?

2fKaren was a seventy-year-old whose husband had passed away the previous year. She was lonely and lived in a tiny rural community, where the assortment of single older men was exceptionally limited. She decided to try out Internet dating. She read the tips that were given online for how to write a successful personal profile. All she got in response were replies from men she could tell were scammers and gamers.

Finally, she got mad. Nothing was paying off. She sat down and wrote from her heart, with the genuine passion and anger she felt. “I’m not here to be anyone’s servant. If you want a woman to pick up your socks, go look for somebody else.”

The very day after she posted the new profile, a man named Dennis found her on the dating site. He read her fiery essay, chuckling the whole time. “This is one old gal I’ve simply got to meet,” he said to himself. It was love at first sight. Karen and Dennis have now been together for thirteen years of marriage, and still are going strong. They are a true, senior, Internet love story.

Many mature-age people today are turning to the Internet to find the love of their life. While sometimes this is indeed successful, the practice can be fraught with dangers. There are stories of individuals being scammed, ripped off, and occasionally even killed when they have trusted a stranger they met on the Internet.

What you need to be aware of

If you decide to engage in online dating, do it very carefully and responsibly. Spend considerable time talking with the other person over the phone before agreeing to meet him or her for the first time. When we ardently want to meet that special someone, it’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking, “This must be the one!” We ignore the warning signs because our desire for love is so strong that it blocks out what our eyes and ears are telling us.

If you are confident after multiple phone conversations that the person on the other end of the line is genuine, agree to meet him or her in a public place. Never go to a secluded location with the person, or give the person your home address, until you’ve met several times and have spent a lot of time together. It’s advisable, before meeting, to do a criminal background check, and in other ways to check out the veracity of the person’s profile. For instance, you could call the place where they work to make sure they really are employed there. If you find any discrepancy between what they’ve told you and how their story checks out, don’t walk away. Run.

If done responsibly and cautiously, Internet dating can be a way of meeting available seniors based on values and interests shared. Some describe Internet dating as a process of getting to know another person from the inside out, rather than from the outside in, the way we do in real life. But, remember: anyone can lie on a dating site. Check out their story before you get involved, and don’t let your hopes blind your reason. Only if you are responsible, rational, and careful, can Internet dating be both safe and productive.

Dating Too Long With No Success? Stop Dating and Take the Time to Understand What Makes You Fail

3eIf you date too long and see no success, what does it mean? Well, there could be many possibilities: that you haven’t yet found your “soul-mate”; that you haven’t yet recovered from past-relationship; that you are afraid to start again, and so on and so forth.

But if might also be that you have dated too much and feel exhausted from endless trials, disappointments. That you are disillusioned; that you are unsure whether to keep on dating or not.

When this is what you feel, keeping dating might be counterproductive; it might take you no where. The reason being, that you don’t project happiness to your date, but fatigue; not empowerment, but desperation; not patience, but impatience; not self-respect, but neediness.

The problem is, that at your age you might feel that “time is short”. That if you won’t go on yet another date you might miss someone special. That reading a book or go to a movie while still not having a partner is a waste of time.

But then, if you haven’t succeeded until now, do you have any guarantees – except hope – that “next time it will happen”?

When you find yourself in such a situation, having these kinds of fears, thoughts, hesitations and disappointments, what might you do? You may want to take time off from dating and find a way to understand what made you fail until now.

When you take some time off from dating you need to do so with a strong belief that this is for the better; that this will eventually lead you to finding a partner; that this is only a pause you are taking to re-charge, re-vitalize in order to start again, more empowered and more confident in who you are.

So while you take the time off you can engage with other activities; meet other friends; stay home by yourself and enjoy your own company.

But not only enjoy your own company: devote the time to develop to understand what made you fail in your dating attempts. This you can do by developing your Self-Awareness: Looking inwards and see what makes you desperate and needy to have a relationship; realize the fears and needs that control you, such as: the fear of loneliness; the fear of being alone; the incessant need to be loved and have a partner.

Take the time to observe – in retrospect – your attempts at dating and relationships. Notice whether there are any patterns which repeat themselves: do you immediately become dependent on your date? Do you begin to suffocate your partner? Are you driven by the fear of being alone therefore trying to please your partner as much as possible, thus allowing yourself to become a victim within the relationship? and so on and so forth.

Looking inside and observing your patterns is not easy: you confront your own issues, attitudes, self-regard (or lack of); patterns of behavior; the ways in which you sabotage yourself (some of which you haven’t been aware of until now).

But looking inside is crucial for becoming empowered to find a partner with whom to develop a successful intimacy. Observing your past experiences and learning what and how to change is crucial for making the changes you need to make. Gaining insight about yourself is of uttermost importance to realizing what you have done wrong and how you can embark on the road to success.